Ranger Rules
by Bralt
Summary: A bunch of short stories that come from the what not to do in Ranger's Apprentice list. Rated T for violence and repeated character death. Please review
1. Chapter 1

**Animevampfreak10 is doing a similar story, I give credit of this story idea to this author.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters **

**These rules might not be in order it depends on what I get done when**

**You are NOT allowed to sing "Greybeard Halt". Halt will make you spend the night in a tree. A PINE tree**

Will made his way to the middle of the Gathering grounds in the light of the full moon. When he reached the command tent he set down a case and opened it. Inside was a beautifully crafted mandola. He looked at how the moonlight bounced off the glossy top and made it shine like a polished plate. He took a deep breath and picked the instrument up. He knew this was dangerous, but who could resist the urge to annoy Halt? Especially if a certain joking Ranger named Gilan had bribed them with the promise of coffee.

He took another breath and started to strum the first few notes of the well-known song 'Old Joe Smoke'. Nobody seemed to stir from the tents so Will played louder and smiled as Rangers came out yawning. They crowded around in a circle. Pretty soon all the Rangers were there including Crowley, Gilan and Halt.

"I have a little song for you all!" Will yelled above his playing. They all cheered sleepily except for Halt. "Here I go!" Will opened his mouth to sing.

"No!" Halt yelled as he recognized the tune.

"What's the matter with the song Halt? It's my favorite." Crowley smiled he remembered the day he had requested the song and discovered Will's parody. The Rangers nodded their agreement, none of them knew of the parody except Gilan who Will had secretly told.

"Go on Will." Crowley nodded at the youth.

"Of course." Will started the song over. "Greybeard Halt is a friend of mine. He lives on Redmont's hill." The Ranger's laughter echoed across the ground. Halt started to walk towards Will. The music started to skip as Will took steps back but the others urged him on.

"Go on Will!" Gilan yelled as he stepped towards Halt to hold him back. Will nodded.

"Greybeard Halt never took a bath and they say he never will!" More laughter and some Rangers hit the ground laughing. Halt wrestled against Gilan's grip but Crowley joined Gilan and helped hold the man down. They were both laughing. "Fare thee well Greybeard Halt, fare thee well I say. Fare thee well Greybeard Halt. I'll see you on your way." Will danced back a few steps as Halt lunged for him and dragged his captors with him.

"Shut it Will!" Halt snarled. But he was again in the tight clutches of Gilan and Crowley so Will found the nerve to continue.

"Greybeard Halt, he lives with goats." More Rangers fell to the ground. "That's what I've heard tell. He hasn't changed his socks for years. But the goats don't mind the smell!" Will was even smiling as the Rangers started crying from laughter and Halt fought again. The few who could still manage speech joined Will in the chorus. "Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt. Fare thee well, I say. Fare thee well, Greybeard Halt. I'll see you on your way."

Will went to take a breath of air for the remainder of the song when Halt broke free. Will dropped the mandola and walked back a few paces with his hands raised defensively. Around the circle the Rangers were gathering their wits and watching with interest. Halt grabbed Will by his collar and marched over to the nearest pine tree which happened to be at the edge of the clearing. The Rangers followed in silence. Halt shoved the shaking Will against the tree trunk and let go.

"Climb." Halt looked in Will's eyes and dared him to disobey. Will started to scramble up the tree. He was most the ways up when Halt called to him again. "Stay." And Halt walked away through the laughing crowd.

"Nice try Will!" Gilan called up through laughter. "Next time do it in the desert where there are no trees!"

"You knew he would do this!" Will accused his friend angrily.

"To true." Gilan turned away laughing with the rest of the crowd.

**Review and I'll review one of your stories, that doesn't mean I dislike anonymous reviews. :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to answer a question with another question. Halt will glare at you and make you feel stupid.**

Gilan and Halt walked into the cabin from caring for Blaze and Abelard. Halt took his seat and motioned for his apprentice to go and make the coffee. Gilan put on a frown but obliged anyway. He went over and started the coffee. While he was waiting he took a seat next to Halt. They sat in silence for a while before Gilan looked up at Halt.

"Do you think you could go a day without coffee?" Gilan asked. He was in the first week of his training and hadn't gotten addicted to the bitter drink. Halt just glared at him a moment.

"You really aren't that bright." Gilan looked unaffected by the sincerity of the words. "Think about it. I drink it almost every hour on the hour. So no, I don't think I could go a day without coffee and I'm not ashamed to admit it." Halt glowered at his apprentice. They were so annoying sometimes. Scratch that, they were annoying all the time.

"I thought you said I was an apprentice and wasn't old enough to think." Gilan smiled. He loved annoying his mentor, especially since everybody thought him to be a menacing sorcerer.

"I also said that if you thought about it, you wouldn't ask it." Halt ran his hand through his black hair. Earlier in the week he had seen a gray hair and immediately blamed Gilan. Who else could it be? His hair and beard had been jet black before he got the twit.

"Good point." Gilan continued to smile up at his scowling mentor.

"Go and check on the coffee, the water must be ready by now." Halt gave Gilan a slight push. He noticed that a spark of confusion passed the youths eyes when he had mentioned water. But he pushed the thought aside.

Gilan stood and walked over to the pot. He looked in and Halt heard him take a sharp intake of breath. He briefly wondered what it was for but his thoughts were cut short as he heard what sounded like a spark. He stood and saw flames licking out of the pot Gilan was standing over. Halt's eyes bulged.

"You set the coffee on fire!" Halt yelled in anger. This was the stupidest thing his apprentice had yet done, and that was saying something.

"And you stated the obvious!" Gilan said in a little fear. He couldn't help the response; it was in his personality to remark. He ran a hand through his hair and looked a little scared. Only the fear wasn't for the fire, it was for how mad Halt was.

"Why are you just standing there?" Halt yelled at him.

"Why aren't you getting water?" Gilan said back. He stood his ground and braced for impact but none came. He looked at his mentor who was glaring at him.

It wasn't one of his 'you better run' glares; it was one that Gilan had seen a million times in the past few days. Halt was glaring at him with one of his 'you are completely stupid' glares. And Gilan felt himself beginning to feel stupid. After all, he had burnt the coffee and stood there like a doof. But he knew that wasn't what the glare was for. He mentally slapped himself for answering a question with another question. That was the highest level of stupidity that an apprentice to Halt could achieve.

Halt shook his head. "Just go and get some water." He pointed to the door.

"But it's getting dark." Gilan looked out the window and shuddered. He may be a Ranger's apprentice but he still feared what was hidden in the dark.

"Then you better hurry because you have to run to town and get coffee. That was all I had." Halt pointed to the door again. "Are you just going to stand there?"

"Are you just going to keep pointing towards the door?" Gilan felt Halt's 'you're stupid' glare hit him again. He really wasn't a fast learner.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters. **

**From now on let's just say that each time Max dies he comes back to life for the next chapter**

**You are NOT allowed to switch Halt's coffee to decaf. You'll die a ****slow painful death****.**

"Make me some coffee Max." Halt snapped at his new apprentice. Max was an annoying little twit with a big ego. And what he thought was funny; others thought to be downright cruel. The only reason he was an apprentice Ranger was because Arald thought it would be a good way to tame him.

"Sure. I wouldn't want you to stress those two brain cells in your empty head." Max backed down at the look Halt gave him. He was the biggest coward Halt had ever seen.

"Do it boy. And I hope you can run faster than an arrow because if you keep this attitude up, I'll shoot so many at you that the porcupines might call you their family." Halt looked at the boy with distaste.

Halt had put up with some cowardly types and he had dealt with big egos but he had never seen somebody worse than Max. Max was more annoying than Gilan and almost as full of questions as Will. Halt shook his head as he thought of the years to come. Max was an orphan that had lived in the high class parts of the village and had never even seen the forest. He couldn't figure out what end of the arrow was which and would rather be killed than have to gut animals for his own survival.

"Don't call me boy and don't threaten me." Max ran towards the coffee pot as Halt went to stand. Halt rolled his eyes, he hated cowards.

"Hurry up. After this you can go outside and practice your shooting." Halt watched Max, making sure he wasn't messing up his coffee.

Halt leaned back in his chair again and sighed. He hated Max. After a few minutes Max carried a cup of coffee over to him. Halt took it from him without thanking him or even acknowledging him. Max stood where he was with a fake smile on his face.

"What do you want?" Halt snarled.

"I was waiting to see if you needed anything else." Max's eyes slanted. "Sir." He laid stress on the word, making Halt's inside anger spark.

"Get lost." Halt settled himself again.

Max walked out the door to start his shooting. Halt sighed and closed his eyes, enjoying the brief rest away from his sorry excuse of an apprentice. He took a sip of his coffee and almost choked as he spit it back out. He dropped the cup to the floor and marched over to where Max had made the coffee. Written on the coffee container was the word **DECAF.** Halt's eyes lighted up with anger. He marched outside his cabin. Halt walked over to where Max was practicing and immediately saw the light in the boy's dark eyes that betrayed his actions.

"Why did you do that?" Halt said in a deceptively calm voice. Max let out a breath of air, he obviously didn't know Halt well enough to realize calm was deadlier than angry.

"I was worried about you. You stay up most the night and wake up at the crack of dawn. That coffee keeps you from sleeping and then you have to wake early. It can't be healthy." Max lowered his recurve bow.

"That's the biggest lie you've said in your apprenticeship. And that is saying something." Halt's anger was finally boiling over. He was sick of this little spoiled brat. Messing with his coffee just prompted him more.

"How dare you call me a liar!" Max shrieked. Halt shrugged.

"Nobody messes with my coffee," Halt said slowly and clearly. Max just looked at him with his smug little face.

Halt raised his fist and before Max could protest and he swung an uppercut and knocked the boy out.

An hour later Max woke up. He was bound to a chair in the cabin and surrounded by Halt and the baron of Redmont fief. He tried to recall the baron's name but his head was throbbing too much.

"Help! Help! This man, this jerk, he punched me!" Max struggled against his bonds and continued to yell, all the while glaring at Halt. He continued to yell until he realized that nobody was doing anything. "Why aren't you doing anything? This abomination assaulted me!" Max stopped fighting and looked at the two faces with confusion.

"Well, Halt called me here and told me all you've been up to and I'm leaving you in his hands." Arald avoided Max's eyes as his mouth hung open. Max stared incredulously at the baron. Halt had an evil glint in his eye that made the boy shudder. "Have a good day now." The baron shrugged and walked out of the cabin.

He wasn't even halfway back to the castle on his horse when he heard the screams. He shuddered at the thought of what Halt could be doing, it surely was painful and by the length of the screams, he was taking his time. Arald shuddered again as the screams were drawn on and on.

"Gee, I wouldn't want to mess with Halt." Arald looked back over his shoulder at the cabin that looked so peaceful. He jumped as his horse nodded his head.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to write out the key to the Couriers Code. Crowley will rant and shoot you so full of arrows you will be remembered in death as The Porcupine.**

Crowley, Halt, Will and Gilan sat around a fire that was separate from the others in a small military camp. They were outside a castle Araluen had put under siege. They were leaning back on fallen logs and exchanging stories.

"You should have been there the day Crowley shot a Ranger full of arrows. I believe we call him The Porcupine now." Halt gave the barest hint of a smile. He ran a hand through his hair to shake out the dead leaves that had gotten lodged there during scouting.

"What did the Ranger do?" Will asked Crowley. The commandant shifted a little. That was indication enough that he did remember the day. "Tell us." Will looked at Crowley with pleading eyes.

"Okay." Crowley adjusted himself to a comfortable position to begin the tale. "It was about ten Gatherings ago and the Rangers were just starting to learn the Couriers Code fluently. It was tough but most were learning fast. Halt and I were doing our best to make sure the code wasn't written down so it wouldn't get into the wrong hands. Well, this one Ranger, I forget his name we just refer to him as The Porcupine wrote the entire code down on a flimsy piece of parchment and carried it with him everywhere. I found out and I wasn't too happy about it."

"Wasn't too happy? You went on and on about how he might be mauled by a bear and then his body might be found by enemies and how they would pick him clean and take the code. You then went on about how he might be trampled by horses…" Halt was about to say more when Crowley gave a small cough.

"I think they get the idea." Crowley shifted again and Halt nodded. "Anyway, I grabbed my bow and before he could leave my tent he was so full of arrows that he could have passed for a porcupine easily. The other Rangers found out in the morning but they were too busy laughing to care." Crowley gave a nervous laugh. "I guess I over reacted a little bit."

**Remember to review and I'll review one of your stories :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to fight a mad axe man with only your two knives. Gilan will throw you off a cliff so that he doesn't have clean up the mess. **

Will took another step back and felt rocks crumble away. This was do or die time. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves and looked into the eyes of the approaching axe man. They were black with no emotion. Not the slightest bit of pity or even regret. Will raised his knives, his bow had snapped when running through the woods to escape the man. He got ready to deflect himself with the two knife defense he had learned on his way to Celtica. Then he saw a movement in the forest behind the man. It was a slight movement of grass moving back into place as if somebody had stepped on it. Then he saw a branch snap back into place three feet away from the grass. Then he saw a figure emerge.

"Stop! The axe man stopped not two feet from Will and spun around to face the new threat. He started to laugh as an unarmed agile looking male walk towards him with a ready smile. "How you doing Will?" Gilan looked around the axe man and waved.

"Oh just great Gilan. I'm about to be gutted by an angry man." Will smiled as if this was perfectly normal.

"No you are not." The axe man tilted his head and looked at Gilan with a stupid face on. "I am going to throw you over the edge so I don't have to clean up. I don't really fancy bringing your internal organs back to Halt to be buried. Give me a crushed body any day of the week; just don't give me gross mushy red stuff." Gilan shuddered a little.

He walked past the axe man who still looked like a bumbling idiot and approached Will with a smile. He gave Will a wink as if to say 'play along'. Will waved his saxe threateningly and Gilan paused and shook his head. Before Will could ask what was happening Gilan had grabbed him around the waist and was shoving him over the edge.

Will fell a few feet and landed on a little platform with a cave. He heard the rushing waters of the rapids below him and shuddered at the thought of what would have happened if he had missed the ledge. He quickly made his way inside the cave and listened to the conversation up above.

"There we go! Now I don't have to clean up wolf chow." Gilan smiled.

"Now I kill you." The axe man had a maniac smile on as he walked towards the Ranger who was standing on the edge of the cliff.

"None of that now," Gilan said in a warning tone. Will heard what sounded like a fist fight then he saw the axe man's body plummet down to the rapids. He stepped out of the cave to look up at a smiling Gilan. "You can climb up again. Halt will be glad you aren't dead." Will nodded and smiled up at his friend.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to call Halt "Lucky the Leprechaun" he'll kill you.**

Max looked at Halt with a weird expression. Halt was sitting across from him and drinking his coffee while reading reports as usual. Suddenly Halt looked up at the boy and scowled.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Halt looked at the boy with pure hatred. He hated everything about Max, from his caramel colored hair to his slight frame to his overgrown toenails.

"Just thinking." Max was trying to remember who Halt reminded him of.

"We all know what happens when apprentices think. It always ends up with them either getting taken by Skandians or lost in the desert. They just never learn. And you shouldn't think either. You have too little brain to do such a big task." Halt shook his head and returned to his reports. Max scowled at him but made no remark, he was still thinking.

After several minutes Max jumped up smiling. He had remembered who Halt reminded him of. Halt looked up at the boy with distaste. "And what did you do that for? I was just reading an intriguing report about how a noble got lost in the forest." Halt set the papers aside and leaned back in his chair with his coffee.

"You remind me of Lucky the Leprechaun!" Max was still standing and smiling. He saw Halt look into his mug and got the vague message from his brain to run but ignored it.

"And would this be the type of leprechaun that is small?" Halt said in a fashion that suggested you had just made a major mistake.

"Why of course! What other leprechauns do you know of?" Max took a step back as a flash of anger crossed Halt's eyes.

"Then you are referring to me as short?" Max nodded as if it were obvious. "Let me ask you something, can Lucky shoot an arrow so accurately as to pierce a single brain cell through the eye of a little twerpy apprentice?" Halt stood and Max backed towards the door with haste.

Max sprinted out the door and looked around on the verandah for a means of escape. He saw none and sprinted down the steps to run into the forest. Halt was close behind with his threatening long bow in his hands. Max was screaming bloody murder as he raced through the forest with no clue of a destination. Halt was cursing at him and gaining every moment. Finally Max ended up tripping and skidding a few feet on the forest floor. He quickly turned over and looked up at Halt who was a foot or so away with fear.

"Please Halt! Don't shoot! Come on, Lucky wouldn't do something like this!" Max clamped a hand over his mouth as he realized his mistake.

"That's it." Halt raised his bow and an arrow was drawn in the space of a second. He sent the arrow whizzing towards Max. It hit him in the eye and pierced his only brain cell, killing him instantly. Halt smiled and started his walk back to the cabin. Maybe he could get some peace now.

**Remember to review and I'll review one of your stories :) Don't be afraid to check out my other stories either**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters. Some of you may know this story by the name Apple Problems, I wrote it as a one-shot but got messages to write all the rules but I figured I should put it in here.**

**Just a reminder that credit for the idea of this story goes to Animevampfreak10 **

Halt came to join Will in the horse shelter behind the cabin before he made supper. Will was talking to Tug as he brushed him. Halt went over to Abelard and gave him some hay while he went to get another brush. Will leaned down to the apple bucket and tried to grab one without Halt noticing. He failed miserably.

"And how many apples has dear Tug already had?" Halt turned to face his apprentice who stood up and tried to look innocent.

"None. This was his first." Will shifted his weight from foot to foot. He was terrible at lying to Halt.

"Then why do you look like I just caught you doing something you shouldn't do?" Halt raised his eyebrows in that all too familiar look.

"Because you did." Will looked at his feet and spoke in a small voice. Halt could barely hear him.

"I'm sorry, I must be getting old. I didn't quite hear that," Halt said sarcastically. Will wisely made no comment about his age.

"I said that you did catch me." Will kept his eyes down but his voice was audible.

"If I've told you this once, I've told you this a million times. Tug only needs one apple. If he eats too many, he'll get fat and slow. Rangers have no use for fat and slow horses." Halt turned back to Abelard and started to brush him.

"Umm, Halt?" Will sounded worried. Halt kept brushing.

"Yes Will?" Halt said exasperatedly.

"You might want to turn around." Will's voice had a warning in it so Halt turned. What he saw stopped him from moving.

Tug was approaching him with an out of place glint in his eye. Halt took a stumbling step backward away from Tug. Abelard looked at his owner then at the small shaggy horse that was approaching him. Seeing that nothing was happening yet, he went back to eating. Halt took another step back and felt the wall of the shelter. He was cornered by a none too happy horse. Will was in the background watching.

"Calm down Tug. I was just thinking about your health." Halt's voice was calm even though he was starting to panic. Tug took a step towards him and he started to inch out of the shelter. This could go bad fast. "Tug, you wouldn't want to hurt me over apples would you?" Tug bobbed his head as if answering. This made Halt panic.

Tug took another step towards Halt and he again shuffled away. Tug lunged at him and Halt barely escaped. He jumped out of the shelter and tried to make it to the cabin. Tug was behind him and rapidly gaining. Halt abandoned his race to the door and started running around like a chicken with no head. He spotted an escape and ran for it. He was up the tree in a matter of seconds.

Tug slammed into the tree a few times and Halt almost fell out. He was hanging on for dear life when a laughing Will came into his vision. He scowled at him as the tree stopped shaking and Tug went to greet his master.

"Your cursed horse is a maniac!" Halt shouted down. "And stop feeding him apples!" He added as Will gave Tug one. Tug snapped his head sideways and glared up at Halt. Halt tried to blend into the tree branches.

"Careful Halt, if Tug tries hard enough, I'm sure he could knock this tree down and you with it." Will was grinning from ear to ear and Halt just glared down at him.

"Get that horse away from here so I can climb down." Halt cast a careful glance at Tug to make sure he hadn't angered him somehow.

Will just laughed. "I don't think he'll budge. Looks like you'll have to spend the night up there." Will was laughing and paid no mind to Halt's angry death stares. If looks could kill, dear Will would be dead.

"Just try." Halt looked at Tug again. He didn't need to have him knock him out of the tree.

"Come on Tug." Will started to walk away but Tug stood still. Will shrugged and looked up at Halt with amusement etched on every line of his face. "See you in the morning." Will walked away, leaving Tug to look up at Halt.

"Will!" Halt shouted.

He heard the cabin door shut and sighed. This was going to be a long night. He looked around and grabbed an apple from a nearby branch. He looked down as he took a bite and saw Tug looking at him angrily. He threw the apple down to him.

"I can't even have a simple apple for supper." He scowled and got comfortable. "Just wait. I'll get you back." Halt said to the horse and then shook his head. He was talking to a horse, what next?

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	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to threaten Will. Horace will challenge you to single combat and stick you with his dagger. **

Max stretched his back and looked at Halt and Will on the verandah. He shot them an angry glance and cursed them under his breath. While he was chopping firewood, they were sitting and relaxing with mugs of coffee. He hadn't really come to realize that he was the apprentice. He brushed the caramel strands of hair out of his eyes before marching over to the two Rangers.

"Feel free to help me!" Max was sick of people telling him what to do. When he had been an orphan he lived in the upper class part of the village and had been free to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and however he wanted.

"No thanks." Will smiled at the younger man. Halt had told him what a snob Max could be but he didn't really see it.

"No need to be so polite Will." Halt glared at Max. "Just keep chopping." Halt motioned for Max to leave but he stood his ground.

"So this is the famous Will Treaty. He doesn't look like much." Max looked at Will taking in his slight frame and youthful face. He laughed.

"Well, that's not very nice." Will frowned a little but got over it. He stood to go inside but tripped. He fell to the ground and his coffee spilled all over Max. The corners of Halt's lips turned upwards slightly at the look on Max's face, it was priceless. Will stood and brushed himself off. "Sorry about that." Will smiled again at a fuming Max.

"You jerk!" Max stood with his arms stretched out and looking down at his wet clothes. "I'm going to kill you!" Halt's eyebrows shot up as Max took a step towards Will.

"I wouldn't threaten him," Halt said in a warning tone. Max just kept walking towards Will. "Horace, can you come out here a moment?" Halt called towards the cabin door. Max didn't hear him.

"What?" Horace said through a mouthful of food. Halt shook his head, this boy never stopped eating.

"Little Max here says he's going to kill Will." Halt nodded his head towards the small standoff. "And with his anger issues, I know he'll try to kill him." Horace's brows furrowed together and he stuffed the rest of his sandwich in his mouth.

Horace walked over to Max who was barely half his size. Horace swallowed the rest of his food and gave Max a shove. "If you want to kill Will, you'll have to fight me first." Horace unsheathed his ever present sword and took a ready stance, waiting for Max to regain his footing.

"Fine then." Max took a pace towards Horace and drew his two knives. He wasn't aware that he had just angered one of the best swordsmen in the country and possibly the whole world. "Bring it." He smiled a little smugly and started to circle Horace in the confined space of the deck.

"Wait!" Halt said quickly. "Go over on the grass, I don't need Max's blood on my verandah." Horace nodded and followed Max onto the grass in front of the cabin. Halt and Will leaned against the rail to watch.

"Come on you big stupid oaf! Do something, try to stick me I know you can't." Horace let Max's insults go in one ear and out the other. It did no good to get angry in a fight.

They circled each other for a few minutes before the first piece of action happened. Max was busy taunting Horace and failed to take in his surroundings. He stumbled on a nearby tree branch and Horace lunged at him as he fell to the ground. The sword passed through his stomach like a knife through butter and Max let out a cry that stopped as his heart stopped. Horace stood back up and ripped his sword out of Max.

"Great! Now I have twerp blood on my sword!" Horace complained as he wiped the blade on the grass. Will laughed and Halt raised his eyebrows.

**Remember to review and I'll review one of your stories. I don't care whether it's anonymous or signed.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to oil the hinges on the door of Halt's cabin. He'll kill you if the intruders don't.**

Halt's eyes whipped open. He had heard the faintest sound of a footstep approaching him. He rolled over and pretended to keep sleeping but in his turn he had seen a figure. And the figure had a knife drawn. Halt guessed it wasn't a friend come to wish him well. He silently sighed; tonight wasn't going to be peaceful. He waited a few more seconds until he was sure the figure was a few inches from the edge of his bed and his sixth sense told him to bolt out of the room. But he kept his calm.

"I suggest you don't touch me with that knife. It would hurt a little and I don't take kindly to people who harm me." Halt kept his eyes shut and spoke calmly as if he was always threatened in the middle of the night.

"I'm the one giving directions here," A husky voice said. "I have the weapon."

"It wasn't a direction, it was merely a suggestion that any sane person would probably follow. And you aren't the only one with a weapon." Halt quickly threw the blankets off himself and grabbed his knives from a bedside table.

He had the intruder backed against the wall with a throwing knife to his throat in seconds. Halt didn't recognize the man but from the large sack he guessed it was a robber. Halt's attention faltered as he heard somebody stumble outside his door. His quick lapse of concentration gave the robber enough time to escape the grip and run to the door. Halt cursed and went to give chase but was surprised to hear what sounded like crying outside his door. He cautiously looked out his door and held his knives in hand as he approached the robber from behind.

Max had his full attention for the moment. He was on the ground in the fetal position bawling his eyes out. Halt looked over the intruder's shoulder and shook his head. How could the boy be so cowardly? Halt tore his eyes off Max and stabbed the robber in the back enough to cripple but not kill him. The robber fell to the ground with a cry of agony. He landed on the floor and gripped at his wound. Halt stepped over him and went over to Max who was still in the fetal position. Max heard footsteps but didn't know who they belonged to.

"Don't kill me! Kill the old man, I have so much to live for!" Max kept his head between his legs and didn't look up until he realized he wasn't being stabbed. He saw Halt and scrambled back a foot or so. "I mean, umm…" Max shifted his gaze away from Halt.

"I know what you meant. Do you know how this man got into my house?" Halt had a fairly good idea. Max had always hated the squeaky hinges on all the doors.

"No." Halt crossed his arms and waved his saxe threateningly. Max gulped. "I oiled the hinges because they were annoying."

"Of course you did, you little twerp." Halt frowned and threw his knife at Max. It hit him in the stomach and punctured some vital organ. "I'll deal with the bodies in the morning." Halt stepped over the crippled robber who thought he was getting off the hook. "Oh, I'm not letting you sit here awake all night." Halt made his hand in a fist and nailed the man between the eyes, knocking him out instantly.

**Remember to review and I'll review one of your stories. :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to question Halt's skills for ANY reason. Odds are he'll kill you. Painfully.**

Halt watched as Max practiced his shooting. Despite his hatred for the boy, Halt had to admit that his shooting was finally starting to reach apprentice Ranger standard. His knife throwing was still atrocious but it was something they could work on. Halt leaned up against the tree on his right and watched until the boy ran out of arrows.

"Well you're getting there." Halt examined the targets before Max could take the arrows out.

"I'm far beyond getting there. I've practically become an expert at this." Max put on his smug little smile and Halt felt his hatred growing again.

"Boasting doesn't do anybody any good." Halt took his gaze off the arrows and looked at his apprentice with an unwavering stare. "Especially if that somebody happens to be a little snob that deserves to have his nose tweaked." Max rolled his eyes.

"I haven't seen you ever shoot an arrow." Max started pulling his arrows out of the targets. "You haven't been on any missions and I never see you practice. I doubt you know how to shoot anymore." Max looked at his bulls eye with pride before tearing it out.

"I wouldn't push it you little twit," Halt said in a warning tone.

"Oh just admit it, you can't shoot anymore. You're always telling me to admit when I can't do something." Max placed his arrows in his quiver and turned towards Halt. "Just admit it and the matter will be dropped."

"I'll admit what I can't do. I can't slap you enough, I can't go a day without coffee, I can't stand being around you, Will, Gilan or Crowley for over three hours without getting agitated, and I can't smile or laugh. But I can shoot an arrow with deadly accuracy." Halt had a gleam in his eyes. It may have been pride for his skills but it may have been him thinking of ways to 'deal with' Max.

"Then why haven't I ever seen you shoot an arrow before?" Max put his hands on his hips in an oddly feminine way.

"Because you are a stupid little boy." Halt's eyes narrowed.

"I don't think you can shoot anymore!"

"Then you stand right here. Don't move." Halt turned to walk away with his bow. He turned back. "Give me three arrows." He held out his hand.

"If it takes you three shots to hit me, you surely are losing it." Max shook his head but plucked three arrows from his quiver and handed them over.

"Oh trust me, I won't miss you. It's Impossible with that big head of yours." Halt turned away again and took a stance a few hundred feet away. "Okay! I'm going to hit you in the leg first! Your right leg, just below the knee!" Halt yelled. Max just shook his head.

"Take your time aiming! We wouldn't want you to miss!" Max yelled back in sarcasm but he was too late. He fell to the ground as an arrow pierced him right where Halt said he had been aiming. He looked down and saw blood flowing out around an arrow head.

"Did I get you?" Halt called in fake curiosity.

"Yes you idiot! You hit me!" Max let go a yell of agony. The pain was unbearable.

"Does it hurt?" Halt called again.

"There's an arrow lodged in my leg!" Max yelled thinking the answer was clear. He closed his eyes tightly trying to block out the pain.

"Yes, I know that. But does it hurt?" Halt sounded like he was enjoying himself.

"Yes it hurts!"

"Good. Now I'm going to shoot you in the right shoulder." Max barely had time to understand what Halt had said before another arrow pierced his right shoulder with tremendous force. He cried out again as blood poured out.

"Does your leg hurt anymore?" Halt lowered his bow.

"Fine! You can shoot!" Max yelled over the pain.

"I always knew that!" Halt yelled back. He didn't even give Max a warning before he released the last arrow that pierced the boy and ended his misery. Halt gave a grim little smile. "That's one pain in the butt taken care off."

**Remember to review please, I haven't gotten to many from different people**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to ride Tug. He will throw you off and Will will shoot you for trying to steal his horse.**

Max slunk out of the dark cabin. He had been forced to sleep on the couch while Will took residence in Max's room for his visit. Max walked over to the horses in their shelter and grinned. He had been meaning to do this for some time now. Halt hadn't taken him to get his own horse, something about responsibility and not acting like a jerk. Max stepped into the shelter and walked over to Tug who was wide awake despite the late hour. He gave a soft whinny of greeting as Max patted his head.

Max looked over at Abelard and was relieved to see that the older horse was sleeping. Max smiled broader, everything was going great. He could easily take Will's horse and hide him someplace in the woods. Will would eventually be forced to leave and the horse would be his. As long as Halt didn't find out it would be perfect. Max pet Tug again before walking away to get the saddle.

"Come on Tug, I'm going to take you for a ride." Max saddled the shaggy horse and patted it once more.

Max clambered up onto Tug to ride him out of the shelter. He sat in the saddle and straightened his back so he felt like he was sitting on a battle horse. He got a little nervous as he felt the muscles in Tug bunch up but waved it off. He needed to get the horse out of here. He went to tap his heels into Tug's sides but got an unwelcome surprise. Tug leaped as high as he could in the confined area. Max didn't notice what had happened until he was slamming into the roof of the shelter. He fell to the ground with a moan and rolled over onto his back. His head was spinning and he felt as if he had just been plowed over by the horse. He thought he heard the faint noise of rusty hinges moving and soft feet walking. He tensed up and listened for a while before assuring himself that nobody had heard the noise and nobody was coming.

"Tug, why did you do that?" Max groaned again and sat up. The horse was looking at him with curiosity. He seemed to have a happy glint in his eyes. "Oh, don't look so happy. Fun's over, let's get out of here." Max stood with a pained expression on his face. He was sure his ribs were cracked.

Max grabbed onto Tug's reins and tried to pull him out of the shelter. He pulled and pulled but Tug stood as steady as a rock. Max started to sweat with the effort and eventually gave up and dropped the reins. He looked at the horse, it always followed Will. Max shook his head and sat down to rest. In a little while he got back up and grabbed an apple out of the bin. He started to back out onto the grass making sure Tug could see the shiny red apple. Max smiled as the small horse followed him. He stopped when Tug was fully out of the shelter and he was around three feet from the back of the cabin. Max gave the apple to Tug and looked around making sure that nobody had snuck up on him.

"Okay, I'm going to try again," Max said to Tug. "Don't be frightened, I won't hurt you." Max looked into Tug's eyes the way Halt did when he spoke to Abelard. Tug nodded his head.

Max patted the horse and walked to his right side. He climbed back onto Tug and started to relax when he wasn't immediately thrown off. "That a boy!" Max patted Tug's neck. Then he felt Tug tense up. "No, no. It's okay. It's me, I won't harm you!" Max stroked Tug's neck thinking that the horse was scared.

The next minute he was flying through the air again. This time he landed on top of the cabin with a mighty thud. The wind was knocked clear out of him and he felt a fiery pain in his twisted left arm. He started to suck in air and barely heard a cursing Halt inside. He sat up abruptly as a figure emerged from the shadows cast by the trees. It was Will.

"Having fun?" Will smiled. He remembered the first time he had tried to ride Tug. It had gone similar to Max's only he hadn't been slammed into a roof.

"You're stupid horse bucked me off. Twice!" Max sat up on the roof and glared at the horse. Will followed his gaze.

"Tug is very intelligent." Will gave a low whistle and Tug trotted over to him. "He knows who his master is." Will switched his gaze back up to Max. "I thought you would remember Halt telling you that Ranger horses were special. That if you weren't their partner, they would buck you off."

Max cursed under his breath. Halt had told him something like that but he had merely laughed at the thought of an intelligent horse. "Something like that," he said to Will. Max started to climb down from the roof.

"So you were trying to steal my horse." Max had his back to Will and didn't see him draw back an arrow in his large long bow.

"No, I was just taking it for a ride," Max said sarcastically.

"I don't like horse thieves." Will frowned and released the arrow. Max fell the remaining foot off the roof with an arrow through his stomach. "How about you Tug? Do you like horse thieves?" Will lowered the bow and looked at his companion. Tug shook his head.

**Remember to review and I'll review one of your stories :)**

**Could people send me funny quotes, that would be awesome! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to hit Alyss for stealing your man, she'll get Pauline onto you and she will get Halt onto you and we don't want that now do we?**

Sarah dove back behind a tree as Alyss emerged from Will's cabin in Seacliff. Sarah watched Alyss as she gave Will a good bye hug and started along the track to the castle. Sarah frowned. Will was hers in her mind and as far as she was concerned, Alyss was a small obstacle. Sarah hurried to a point on the road where Alyss would pass by and she could stop her. Sarah waited a few moments before the fair figure was within three feet. Sarah emerged and put on a falsely pleasant face.

"Hello there. I haven't seen you around these parts." Sarah smiled and brushed her black hair away from her face. She took in Alyss's nice courier's clothing and shifted in her own clothes. She wasn't as fair as the courier but she wasn't a hag. She worked down at her father's tavern in town and they got a fair amount of money from the business.

"I come from Redmont," Alyss said politely. She stopped a few paces away from Sarah and smiled. "And who might you be?"

"I'm Sarah; my father runs the tavern in town." She nodded towards Alyss's dress. "I take it you're a courier?"

"Yes. I'm Alyss. I don't mean to be rude, but I have some business to attend to up at the castle. So if you don't mind, I have to leave." Alyss started to walk by Sarah but Sarah maneuvered in front of her and stopped her.

"I need to tell you something." Sarah's pleasantness was replaced with a threatening tone. "Will is mine and I don't appreciate you acting as if he is yours." Sarah looked into Alyss's eyes.

"You must be mistaken; I have known Will all my life. He is, and always will be, mine." Alyss's own voice had a sudden menace to it as she glared at Sarah.

"I don't believe so." Sarah raised her hand and slapped Alyss across the face." Alyss stepped back and gasped at the mere force of the blow.

"You will pay for that." Alyss shoved Sarah aside and continued on her way. Sarah stood there smiling, convinced that she had won.

Alyss walked towards her old mentor's study. She had to discuss something with Pauline that had been bothering her for the past few days since she had come back from Seacliff. She arrived at the door and gave a polite little knock on the door. A muffled welcome was heard and Alyss walked in. She smiled at Pauline.

The room was average sized and was very orderly. The desk had barely any clutter and the chairs were arranged in half a circle in front of the desk. The walls were adorned with nice paintings and tapestries. Alyss sat in the chair that was right in front of the desk. She smiled at Pauline and accepted the tea she was offered.

"Is everything all right?" Pauline smiled. Alyss had always been her favorite.

"Sort of. Something happened in Seacliff that's been bothering me." Alyss took a sip of her tea.

"Is it something to do with Will?" Pauline had a worried expression on. She knew how much Alyss cared for him.

"Yes and no." Pauline motioned for her to go on. "This girl stopped me on my way to the castle from Will's cabin. She said she was Sarah and she seemed nice at first. When I went to leave, she got all threatening and told me Will was hers." Alyss looked into her cup and watched the liquid swirl around.

"Do you think that's true?" Alyss shook her head. "Excuse me, but I fail to see what the problem is here." Pauline looked a little confused.

"She slapped me when I told her that Will was mine. I didn't retaliate all I did was walk away but I don't fancy going back with her around. She scared me a little."

"I see," Pauline said slowly. "And did you say anything to her?"

"I said she was going to pay." Alyss looked up at her previous mentor.

"And she should." Pauline stood. "Don't worry about this, let me handle it." Pauline smiled to reassure Alyss.

Halt rode into the small village outside Seacliff. He looked at the shops as he passed them looking for the tavern. Pauline had said that the tavern owner's daughter had slapped Alyss and she wanted him to have a talk with her. Anybody in their right mind wouldn't argue with Pauline so he had agreed to go. He found the tavern and slowed Abelard. He dismounted and left the horse outside the low building. It was early morning and people wouldn't be coming out for a while.

"Stay here boy." Halt looked at the building and sighed. He didn't have great experiences with taverns.

Halt walked towards the building and opened the door to be met with heat from the fire. It was a welcome feeling compared to the cold outside. He stepped inside and closed the door. The place was empty except for a family that was sitting at one of the central tables and eating breakfast. They looked up as they heard the click of the door closing. A man that Halt assumed to be the owner stood and addressed him.

"May we help you Ranger?" His voice was deep and his dark eyes looked at Halt with what seemed to be fear.

"I would like to talk to your daughter, Sarah?" The girl stood and looked at the Ranger with curiosity. He seemed nothing like Will. "I won't harm her," Halt said as he saw the reluctance in the man's eyes. Sarah walked over to him and Halt noticed that her father didn't take his eyes off her. "I hear you hit a girl named Alyss."

"She's stealing my man." Sarah crossed her arms.

"Oh trust me, you don't want him. He's an insufferably annoying man that never runs out of stupid questions. And I'm warning you that if you ever hit Alyss again, I'll… lock you in a tree," Halt said remembering what towns folk thought of Rangers. He saw the fear in Sarah's eyes. "Is that clear?" Sarah nodded. "Good. And that means no more stalking Will either," Halt said as he turned.

**I didn't think this chapter was so good but I'll leave that for you to decide. Remember to review and I'll treat you by reviewing one of your stories. :)**

** And I'm going to start writing another story soon and I need some funny quotes for it, if you have any PM them to me. Thank you. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters but I do own a silver duct tape top hat**

**You are NOT allowed to tell anyone that Halt's not really grim all the time. He'll knock you into next week and then kill you.**

Max glared at his mentor sitting up on the porch. He glared until Halt looked up at him and raised his eyebrows in the gesture that Max found truly irritating. Max grunted and continued to fix up the shelter for the horses.

"That jerk has me fixing the stupid shelter," Max grumbled to himself. "What next? Am I going to have to clean it out? Why is he such a jerk to me, I'd be willing to bet he wasn't like this with Will. He never yells at Will. If anything, he cheers up and actually smiles when that little twit comes around." Max looked up from his work with an idea. He smiled and went back to work, thinking about his plan the entire time.

Later that night Max was sent into town to get coffee for the morning. He didn't have a horse so he walked to town mumbling all the way. He got to the shop in town but it was closed so he went to the tavern to convince the owner to let him buy some. He breathed in the deep autumn air, in a week it would be cold and snowing. He sighed, that's when Halt would send him to chop firewood. He reached the tavern and walked into the small smoky room. He heard the boisterous yells from several places as friends greeted each other. He ignored them all and walked over to the bartender.

"Sir! I need to buy something." Max squeezed in between to large men that seemed to be farmers. They fell silent and looked away from the boy.

"And what may that be?" The bartender seemed cheery but he noticed the knives at the boy's hip and the cloak that marked him as a Ranger that made fear flood through him.

"A five pound bag of coffee should do it." Max leaned against the bar as the bartender went to fetch the coffee. Max looked at the farmer to his left who was looking into his mug, swirling around the mouthful that was left. "Why are you afraid of Halt? Or me for that matter." Max tilted his head and gave the impression of true curiosity.

"Cause your Rangers. And Rangers kill those that annoy them. Who knows what would annoy Halt? He's so grim that saying hullo could get on his nerves." The man loosened up as he realized he was only talking to an apprentice who Halt hated. Who would take the boy seriously if he told?

"Well that's no excuse. Halt isn't always grim and I can tell you that there is no possible way he could get away with murder." Max smiled to assure the man.

"He's not always grim?" The man turned to look at the boy with a surprised expression. The man on Max's right also turned to listen on.

"Oh no!" Max waved a hand as if the mere suggestion of Halt always being grim was ludicrous. "Whenever he has coffee in his hand he's the happiest man on the planet."

The bartender came back with the bag of coffee. Max took the bag and headed to the door, he knew the farmers would spread word and he had seen the bartender listening while he was retrieving the coffee. By morning the town folk would be waving to Halt all day with no fear. Max walked back to the cabin and went to bed waiting for morning.

Max awoke to the sound of a door slamming. He smiled and got out of bed. By the time he had gotten dressed and walked out of his room Halt had resumed his seat and was looking at some rather long reports at the table. Max masked his joy in Halt's annoyance and took a seat across from him.

"No breakfast?" Max looked towards the stove where there was an empty plate.

"I had a great breakfast, make your own," Halt said without looking up. He sounded aggravated.

"You seem particularly grim today." Max stood to make eggs.

"Those stupid town folk keep coming. A couple of minutes ago a little twit came and asked for some flour. He said the stores where closed and his mother needed it for bread." Halt leaned back in his chair with an angry expression. "Whoever told them this was okay I'm going to kill." Halt drained his coffee and slammed the empty cup on the table. Max's eyes widened.

"Maybe they just saw you when Will came. You aren't as grim and that may have boosted their confidence." Max swallowed. He hadn't expected Halt to be so angry.

"It was you, wasn't it?" Halt asked recognizing an excuse. He turned in his chair to face the apprentice's back.

"No," Max said in a high voice.

Halt stood quietly and walked up behind his apprentice. He grabbed him by the collar and slammed him up against the nearest wall. Max whimpered but he was still conscious. Halt slammed him against the wall again and Max's eyes glazed over and he slumped in Halt's grip. His pulse was still going. Halt dropped the unconscious boy to the ground and started to make another cup of coffee.

Max's eye snapped open. He looked around the small dark cabin; it seemed to be late at night. He picked himself off the ground and stumbled to a chair by the table. His head started to throb and he groaned. The last thing he remembered was Halt grabbing him. He looked around again and shivered as he realized that it was freezing. He stood and made his way to the door and opened it. Snow fell off the roof and landed on him. Cursing, he went back inside to see Halt sitting at the table with a candle.

"Well if it isn't Sleeping Beauty. You've been out for around a week." Halt smiled a wolf's grin and stood. Max took an involuntary step back. Halt stopped and tilted his head. "Why are you backing away? I just want to see if your head is okay."

"Yeah right!" Max doubled over as his head started to spin.

Halt continued towards Max. He got to him and gave him a weird look before he strangled him and threw the body outside. He smiled and went back to bed.

**I know, I know, I changed the rule to Halt knocking Max out for a week instead of knocking him into next week. I just don't like time travel :) Please review and I'll review one of your stories, and remember that if you have any funny quotes I would like to hear them for another story idea. **

**Look at me! I actually have no homework and can update on a Wenedsday(Excuse spelling) I might get to update tomorrow if the field trip takes all day and we miss classes**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters but I do own an Army private's badge made of duct tape. **

**Remember to send me funny quotes.**

**You are NOT allowed to hum the James Bond theme while tracking things with Halt. He'll shoot you with an arrow.**

Gilan walked behind Halt. Halt was doing a tracking exercise with Gilan by letting Gilan lead him on a discreet trail he had made earlier. Gilan looked back at his mentor and smiled. Halt motioned for him to keep moving. Gilan nodded and kept going. He sighed, this was getting really boring.

"Hey Halt," Gilan said while choosing investigating the ground for clues. He didn't wait for an answer. "Do Rangers have a theme song?" He heard Halt sigh and took that as a sign that the question was stupid. He smiled and kept moving.

A few minutes later Gilan remembered a tune he had heard in a play. He thought it would be perfect for the occasion of tracking and started humming it. He then started to dart around and hide behind trees, peering around it before moving on. Halt stopped and watched Gilan as he went on for a few feet, finally he had had enough.

"What in Gorlog's name are you doing?" Halt rolled his eyes as Gilan turned around quickly and fired an imaginary arrow.

"You said that the Ranger's didn't have a theme song," Gilan said as if it were obvious. He walked back to Halt.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Halt raised his eyebrows as Gilan started humming again. Gilan stopped.

"Well I went to a play a little while ago and I heard this song. It sounds perfect for the Rangers. It's all mysterious and everything." Gilan smiled despite his mentor's diminishing patience.

"And that makes you think it should be the Ranger theme song? Just because it's mysterious?" Halt motioned that the conversation was over but Gilan didn't give up.

"You're right; it shouldn't be our overall theme song. But it could be our hunting, tracking and stalking theme song."

"You're an idiot. I know I've said that before but that was when I figured you couldn't get any stupider." Halt motioned for them to move on. Gilan shrugged his shoulders and started walking.

A few minutes later Gilan got bored and started humming the song again. Pretty soon he was darting around like he had been. Halt shrugged his bow off and loaded an arrow. Gilan didn't notice and kept going. Halt pulled the arrow back and released. It hit Gilan on the foot where he had aimed. The boy wouldn't be seriously hurt but it would teach him not to hum a James Bond song while tracking.

"Oww!" Gilan yelled as he dropped to the ground clutching his foot. "That hurt Halt!" Gilan tore off part of his cloak and wrapped it around the wound after he removed the arrow. He realized it wasn't serious.

"It wasn't meant to feel good," Halt said as he caught up with him. "Now let's finish the tracking, I've had enough of you." Halt waited for Gilan to stand before he continued walking.

**Don't kill me for hurting Gilan just yet let me explain! I thought he would be the best person to do this. Max is to stupid and a jerk to do this, he's more the person to get Halt really mad. Gilan is the best person to annoy the heck out of him and do something like this. Okay, if you're still mad you can hurt me now. Remember to review and don't forget those quotes. I'll review one of your stories if you give me them. :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters but I do own a John Deere backpack**

**Please send funny (or not funny but useful) quotes to me. PM or in a review is fine**

**You are NOT allowed to ask Will about Crocodiles. He'll think you've gone mad.**

Horace looked at his hands. He had run out of things to do a long time ago. He and Will were sitting under the giant upside down cart that had been Will's great idea to get close to Macindaw. Horace yawned and shifted again. Will shot him a glare for the thousandth time that day.

"Would you stop moving around like a bear coming out of hibernation?" Will turned back to look out of a gap in the cart.

"Sorry but this is really boring and I can't sit still like you Rangers or my legs get cramped," Horace said defensively.

"Just knock it off," Will said without turning around. Horace sighed.

"Can we at least talk?" Horace looked at his friend and saw him take a deep breath.

"If it will keep you from moving around like a drunken bear, why not?" Will walked over and sat beside Horace who was leaning against the side of the cart. "What do you want to talk about?"

"What's a crocodile?" Horace looked at Will with a curious look.

"What?" Will looked at the warrior with a confused look on his face. "Where did you hear of this crocodile thing?" Will shook his head. "Forget it; you're going mad from boredom." Will leaned back and closed his eyes.

"I'm not going mad. I…"

"You're right, you're not going mad. You're already there." Will cracked open an eyebrow to see Horace's reaction. Horace just shook his head.

"As I was saying, I heard some foreigners talking about crocodiles. It's some kind of giant lizard from what I understand." Horace looked at Will again. "I thought you knew everything?"

"I never said that, I just said that I know more than you. There's a difference. And the first problem in what you just said is it's some kind of giant lizard from what you understand. You don't usually understand too much." Horace scowled. "You're going deeper into the land of mad." Will closed his eyes again.

"I'm going to ask Halt when we get back," Horace said as he shifted again, causing the cart to give a shake.

"If we get back. If you keep moving around like a bear then the guards will come over here looking for a bear to get for dinner." Will smiled as Horace gave him a slight shove. "They probably won't eat you. They only eat sane people."

**Remember: Review, funny quote. I will review one of your stories for each review you leave me unless I have already reviewed everything you have :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters but I do own a rubber band ball**

**Quotes, quotes, quotes!**

**You are NOT allowed to not give Will his coffee. He will kill you over the bar**

"Give me another coffee," Will said to the waiter behind the counter.

The waiter looked at Will with a worried glance. The Ranger had already had six mugs and he had finished his lunch over an hour ago. The waiter shook his head, this much coffee couldn't be good for anybody. The man looked at the Ranger and made a decision. He was going to run out of coffee at the rate the Ranger was going at.

"Sorry but you can't have anymore." The waiter took a few steps back behind the bar to ensure the Ranger couldn't reach him easily.

"What?" Will said, perfecting the eyebrow raise Halt always used.

"I…I said you can't have any more c…coffee." The waiter wanted to run and hide at the gleam in the Rangers eyes.

"I want coffee and seeing as it's your job to serve people, you are going to give me coffee." Will looked at the man cowering in the shadows and smiled; only this smile didn't reach his eyes.

"This can't be healthy. As you can see, too much coffee can stunt your growth." The man clamped a hand over his mouth. Will feigned surprise.

"Are you saying I'm short?" Will leaned against the counter and looked at the man.

"N…n…no Ranger sir. But at the rate you're going, I won't have any coffee for all the other people who visit here." The waiter started fiddling with his apron with his hands as one does when they get nervous.

"Good, now give me my coffee." Will looked into the waiter's eyes and dared him to disobey. The waiter was determined to have some coffee left at the end of the day though.

"I'm sorry but I won't. You've had six cups, that's more than most folk have in a week." The waiter looked away from Will and looked to see if there were any witnesses. Most people had gone when they finished lunch and the others had left when Will had come in.

"I. Want. Coffee." Will drew his saxe knife and tapped it on the counter with each syllable. The waiter's eyes got as big as saucers.

"No. You've had six cups already." The waiter tried to duck as Will through the knife but utterly failed. The knife pierced him in the middle of the forehead. He fell to the ground with a final moan.

Will frowned and walked behind the bar. He pulled the knife out of the man's head and headed into the back. He smiled when he saw the twenty pound bag of coffee. He started whistling and making himself a cup.

**I know the chapters are getting shorter and for that I apologize, I hope that frequent updates make up for that. Remember: review, quote:) I will review for you if you do any of these things**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice but I do own a junky old TV**

**Quotes please. Funny or useful**

* * *

><p><strong>You are NOT allowed to send your Christmas wish list to Erak. He'll brain you with a battleax. After stealing everything on the list.<strong>

Max sat out on the porch. It was negative twenty degrees out and late at night but he sat there waiting. He was waiting for none other than Santa. He shivered and shook away the layer of snow that had gathered on him for the sixth time that night. He had sent his letter to Santa a month ago with a letter that Halt had sent. Halt's letter had been something about a treaty. Max had no idea why Araluen had to have a treaty with Santa.

Max settled back down and continued to stare up at the sky for a giant flying sleigh. He jumped a little as Halt seemed to materialize by him a few minutes later; he was holding a cup of coffee in his hands. He looked at Max and seemed to be thinking deeply about something.

"I honestly don't know whether to ask about your mental health or your motives first. I suppose I should ask about your motives for sitting out here as I already know that you're mentally unstable." Halt took a seat in the chair next to Max. He took a sip of his coffee, waiting for an answer.

"Santa is going to come. I sent my Christmas wish list to him when you sent the papers for some treaty thing." Max realized now was the time to ask about the treaty. "Are those papers so he doesn't come beat Araluen up with candy canes and an army of elves?" Max shivered again and Halt ignored the question.

"Did you send the list with the papers that I sent out a month or so ago?" Max nodded as if it were obvious. Halt stood quickly. "You have fun out here then." Halt walked to the door and shut it. Max heard a lock slide into place.

"That short little jerk locked me out in the snow!" Max said incredulously as he stared at the locked door. "Doesn't matter, when that fat dude in red brings me a new knife I can take care of little leprechaun Halt." Max smiled deviously and settled back into his chair.

A while later Max's eyes widened like saucers as he saw a shape form on the path that led to the cabin. He quickly stood and shook the snow off himself. He shivered as a freezing wind blew through from the north. Finally he couldn't wait any longer and sprinted towards the large shape on the path. It was hard to see but Max was positive the large shape was Santa. Who else could be that big, be coming in the middle of the night and have a sack slung over his back?

Max ran right up to him and started dancing around him. "Did you bring me my knife? What about the blue rock I wanted?" Max made a grab for the pack but 'Santa' pulled it away from him.

"Are you the one who sent me a list of things?" The voice was deep and seemed a little merry just like Santa's.

"Yes, and if you don't mind, I would like my presents now." Max stopped in front of the man and shot him a glare. Santa shouldn't hold presents away from kids.

"So you are the one who sent the list?" Max nodded, getting impatient. "Then here is your present." The man pulled out an ax and brained Max on the spot.

He put the ax away and waved a hand in greeting as Halt stepped out of the cabin. The man walked up to him and gave Halt a hearty smack on the back that caused Halt to spit out a little of the coffee he had in his mouth.

"Good to see you Erak," Halt said while straightening himself again.

"Good to see you to. I came here to brain you but I guess you weren't the one who sent the list addressed to Santa." Erak looked at the bloodied spot on the snow.

"Great, now I'm going to have wolves come for the body," Halt said as he too looked at the stain and lump of a body by it.

"Wolves wouldn't eat a rotten piece of meat like that." Erak looked back to Halt who nodded slowly.

"What's in the sack?" Halt turned his gaze away from Max.

"Well, even though I didn't appreciate the letter, it had some great ideas of things to steal. I got a knife, some blue stone from Macindaw and quite a few other weapons." Erak smiled broadly.

"I'm sure it did. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to finally get some peaceful sleep." Halt turned his back on the Skandian and walked into the cabin, shutting the door behind him.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" Erak yelled at the door. He heard a lock click. "I'll take that as a no."

**Remember to review and I'll review one of your stories :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to sing "We're off to see the wizard" on your way to visit Malcolm. He'll turn you into a lizard.**

"Where are we going?" Max whined from the horse that Halt had finally gotten him.

"You'll see soon enough. Patience is a part of being a Ranger and you have to learn it." Halt looked at the surrounding trees and found the trail he was looking for. He turned Abelard towards it. He was glad that the trail was only big enough for one horse.

"How much longer?" Max whined again. Abelard rolled his eyes to Halt's amusement.

"Half an hour at most," Halt lied. He didn't know exactly how long it would take, it all depended on whether he wanted to stop and chain Max to a tree.

"Half an hour! That's like…half an hour!" Max stood in the stirrups and tried to see where the path led but a bend prevented him from seeing too far.

"Just shut up and keep riding."

"Can't the horses go really fast? Why can't we just ride really fast?" Max sat back down and tried to lean back into a resting position.

"If I tell you where we are going, will you shut up?" Halt hated bribery but if it got Max to shut it, why not?

"Depends." Max saw Halt reach for an arrow. "Okay!" Halt stopped moving for the arrow. "If you tell me then I'll be quiet but if you lie, I won't be quiet for the entire ride home."

"We're going to see Malcolm." Halt waited for Max to be quiet but was sadly disappointed.

"Does he live in these woods?" Halt nodded. "That isn't his name! His name is something else, I can't remember it but it isn't Malcolm. Do you know who I'm talking about? Isn't he like an evil sorcerer? Won't he like kill us or something?"

"Sadly he won't kill you," Halt answered. "But he is known by another name that is recognized as an evil sorcerer. Now shut up, you said you would." Halt tapped his heels into Abelard a little to make him move faster.

Soon the trail to Malcolm's was widening. It was about five minutes until the end of the trail and Halt had had enough of Max. He had broken his vow of silence five minutes after Halt had told him where they were going. Since then it had been nonstop stupid questions and observations. Max had so nicely pointed out that Halt had anger issues and pointed out that they may be a sign of getting older and having less patience. Halt had kindly shoved Max off the horse.

"We're going to see a wizard right?" Max said excitedly.

"Sure," Halt responded. He had started to just agree with the twerp to avoid having to listen to him longer.

"We're off to see the wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz," Max sang. Halt's eyes widened, Max's voice was even more annoying when singing.

"What are you doing?" Halt turned in the saddle.

"We're going to see a wizard right?" Max had an annoyed look on his face.

"I wouldn't do that," Halt said. He tapped his heels against Abelard, in a hurry to get away from Max.

"Loser." Max cleared his throat. "We hear he is a wiz, if ever a wiz there was." Max rode on singing. Once the song was over he started over. Soon he was arriving at Healer's Clearing. "Because of the wonderful things he does. We're off to see the wizard…" Max rode into the clearing singing. The next second he was falling off his horse as a green lizard.

Malcolm walked over to the frightened little figure and picked it up non to gently. He walked back to Halt in the middle of the clearing. Halt dismounted Abelard and scratched his beard.

"I believe this is yours." Malcolm handed the lizard to Halt who took it and held it up to examine it.

"I never really fancied lizards. But then again, I never really fancied Max. You can keep it and test new medicines on it." Halt handed the lizard back to Malcolm.

"Great. So what brings you here?" Malcolm held onto Max with a firm grip so he couldn't wiggle free.

"I was bringing Max here because I knew he was going to annoy you to death. I figured you might slip something in his drink but the way you handled him seems fine to me." Halt poked the lizard and smiled a little as it tried to bite. "None of that now." He wagged his finger. "I'll be going now." Halt mounted Abelard and waved bye to Malcolm before disappearing into the forest.

"Come on little guy, I have a new flu medicine to test. It hasn't worked so far, whatever it touches dissolves into a puddle," Malcolm said as he walked towards the house.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories. Please tell me and if you know funny quotes, I would like to hear them, I'm writing a few stories and there aren't many good quotes online**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to hum alien music as you near Healers Clearing. Malcolm will kill you.**

"This is stupid." Max's voice reached Halt's ears again and he thought about cutting them off. "The last time we were here Malcolm turned me into a lizard. Why are we here again? You're really stupid if you think turning me into a lizard again will 'help' me."

"Trust me, there's no help for you."

"I could just turn my horse around and leave you and the stupid Ranger Corps. There's nothing stopping me."

"Go right on ahead, I swear that I won't try and stop you." Halt almost smiled as Abelard bobbed his head in agreement.

"Are we there yet?" Max asked, reverting to his favorite voice of whining.

For his answer, Halt tapped Abelard's sides and set him into as fast a canter as he could without causing Abelard to trip on the path's underbrush. Max looked after him and sighed, it was going to be like that again. Max tapped his horse and soon caught up with Halt who, naturally, glared at him.

"You're mean. What person with a heart would leave a poor child in the middle of unfamiliar woods? That is just downright cruel." Max put on a sad face.

"Do I even have to start to tell you what was wrong in that sentence?" Halt looked ahead and was pleased to see the clearing a few hundred meters away.

Halt tilted his head as he heard an odd noise. It seemed to come from Max but the boy's mouth was closed for once. Halt looked around and couldn't find another source. The noise seemed a little creepy, almost alien. It continued as they rode into the clearing and Halt still didn't know where it was coming from. He found out as Malcolm came out of the house, gave them an irritated look and through a knife at Max. Halt almost smiled at the sight of his apprentice toppling from his horse.

"I should bring him here more often!" Halt said as Malcolm retrieved his knife. "He looks sort of peaceful when he's dead. Almost un-annoying." Halt looked down at the body. "Now let's bury it."

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories. If anybody knows any funny quotes, please leave them in a review or PM :)**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**If anybody knows some funny quotes, please leave them in a review or PM me :)**

**You are NOT allowed to talk about your wonderful recipe for clam chowder in Skandia. You'll be brained.**

Max stared at the big men in front of him. They were all Skandian fighters and so they were all at least three times the size of him if not bigger. Halt stood by him. Halt was talking to the one named Erak who seemed to be the leader. Max looked at Halt with boredom, this was taking forever. He turned to the others that were sitting across the table.

"I'm hungry, when do we eat?" Max whined. The men just looked at him with disgust. In the five minutes he had been in the country, he had managed to somehow get the Skandians to dislike him.

"When Oberjarl Erak is done talking we will begin dinner," The Skandian directly across from him said.

"You know, back in Araluen I'm considered quite the cook," Max lied. It was his favorite hobby to lie.

"Oh really?" The Skandian said again.

"Yeah, I make a wonderful clam chowder." The Skandian tilted his giant head. "It's true. To make it great all I do is add some…some umm…clam." Max shifted in his seat, he had no idea how to make clam chowder.

"Shut up," The Skandian said.

"Oh, I almost forgot! You have to add a little chowder and keep the mud out of it and then you don't put goat hair in it." Max smiled, it seemed to sound good to him.

The four Skandians stood and walked around the table to where Max sat beside Halt. Halt briefly looked at them before returning to his conversation. Max's eyes widened as the Skandian he had been talking to raised his ax to strike. The next instant Max was slumped up against Halt with a tiny pink ball rolled out. It looked like his brain. Halt looked at the boy with some amusement and some disgust.

"You got blood on my cloak," He said casually. Erak started to laugh. "I was going to get on the boat and shove him off but this will work." Halt looked up at the Skandians. "Is supper ready yet?"

**Please leave a review and I'll review some of your stories. **


	21. Chapter 21

**I am sadly not the amazing John Flanagan, so, sadly, I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters.**

**You are NOT allowed to sing "Dude looks like a lady" when you see Keren. He'll throw a blue rock at you.**

Will looked around at all the people assembled at the dinner. They looked in need of entertainment and joy, something he could bring when disguised as the jongleur. He stood up and smiled at Orman who just glared at him. Orman left before Will could retrieve his mandola from its case. Will looked around at the people who had stopped eating and were now looking at him with little if any interest. He took a deep breath.

"You folks look to be in need of some entertainment." Will looked around at the people with a big grin. Unlike everywhere else he had gone, there was no roar of approval. "Okay then, icy crowd." Will looked around again but there were no smiles to greet him. "How about 'Old Joe Smoke'?" Silence. Will shook his head and started the tune for the song.

Halfway through the song Keren walked through the doors to the room. Heads turned to look at him and the mood seemed to lighten considerably. Will looked at Keren and stopped his song. He studied him for a while before playing the chorus to the song that Keren reminded him of.

"Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady," Will sang. Everybody turned to either look at Will or at Keren who's smile had disappeared. "Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady," Will continued to sing with a smile wider than before.

"Shut up!" Keren yelled in a high pitch. Some people hid their laughter at the look on his face. "Stop it! I command it!" He continued to screech. Will continued the song and Keren fumbled around in his pockets until he found a small blue stone, the only thing he had to throw.

He chucked it at Will who didn't notice. It hit Will on the side of the head and seemed to make a smacking noise as it hit. Will dropped the mandola and reached up to rub the side of his head. There was blood coming out of a small cut.

"Some people just can't take a joke," Will muttered as he picked up his instrument. He smiled as laughter rippled through the crowd. He had succeeded in bringing joy to the downcast people of Norgate. Even if had caused him pain.

**Please review and leave me a funny quote:) You might just find a review waiting in your inbox for one of your stories. I honestly think that chapter was horrible, but I'll leave it to you to tell me.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to say "But I thought..." Halt will say "you're an apprentice. You're not supposed to think" or "If you thought about it, you wouldn't ask"**

Max rode beside Halt on the horse that he had named Bucker. Mostly because he had been bucked off over ten times before he had even bothered to ask what he was doing wrong and learned about asking permission. And even then he hadn't believed Halt and had continued to get bucked off. He still had the bruises. Max looked down at the path looking for tracks, like most other Ranger things, he was failing epically.

"Max!" Halt growled. Max turned to face him. Halt pointed down at the space in between the two horses. "Open your eyes. Tell me what those tracks belong to." Max looked down.

"Umm….they belong to fox." He tried to sound confident but found it hard as he had no idea what he was doing.

"Unless there is some new mutant breed of fox that has two feet that look like a bird's, you're wrong." Halt pointed towards the lines in the print. "Foxes don't have wrinkles in their feet and they have paws." Halt sat back up in his saddle.

"But I thought…," Max began in a whine.

"You're an apprentice; you're not supposed to think. And anybody who thinks a bird's prints belong to a fox obviously don't know how to think," Halt said as they started riding forward. Max fell silent for once.

"Max! Are you even awake?" Halt said. He had stopped again and was pointing towards the tracks in front of them. Max followed the finger.

"They are deer prints." This time Max sounded confident but his confidence crumbled away as Halt shook his head.

"I have actually taught you these. They're boar tracks." Halt rolled his eyes. "Unless, of course, deer are growing and getting heavier." He started to ride forward. Max followed.

"But I thought...," Max started, he wasn't convinced that the tracks belonged to a boar.

"If you thought about it, you wouldn't say it." Halt turned towards the annoying youth. "I am going to ride ahead and you are going to follow my tracks back to the cabin." Without waiting for an answer Halt tapped Abelard's sides and rode away.

"It wasn't a boar!" Max called after him.

A few feet from where the prints had been Max saw the bushes shake. He waved it off as the wind and started to ride forward. Bucker's ears pricked up but he ignored it. When he came to pass the spot a giant boar jumped out of the bushes and tackled him off the horse. His screams where heard all the way back to the cabin where Halt was calmly sitting on the verandah with a cup of coffee.

"It wasn't a boar," Halt said in a mocking tone.

**Hope you enjoyed, please review and I'll review one of your stories. :) If you know any funny quotes please leave them in a review.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to sing "Santa's comin' to town" when you see Erak coming. He'll brain you with a battleax.**

Max skipped around the cabin humming Jingle Bells. Halt looked up from his breakfast and glared at the youth who was only doing this to get on his nerves. Halt shook his head and went back to his food, Max continued and finally Halt had enough.

"I swear that I'll knock you out if you keep this tune up." Halt glared at his apprentice for about the millionth time in the young man's apprenticeship.

"Is it annoying you?" Max asked innocently as he took a seat by Halt at the table.

"Yes as a matter of fact it is and you should know by now what I do to things that annoy me." Halt lowered his eyes back to his breakfast, it was better than looking at Max by a long shot.

Max backed down like the coward he was. "I suppose I'll go check on the horses," Max said as an excuse to get away from Halt.

Max scurried out the door and started humming again, pretty soon he was full out singing. He walked over to his horse in the shelter but quickly got bored with him, the horse didn't seem to be bonding with him like Ranger horses usually bonded. Max walked back to the verandah and sat down, he didn't feel like facing Halt again. Pretty soon he was repeating the songs he had already sang to death.

A couple of minutes passed before Max saw somebody walking up the path to the cabin. It was a big man and from a distance it almost looked like…Santa. Max didn't even care that Christmas wasn't for another day or so, he switched songs and sang as loud as he could with his irritating voice.

"You better watch out, you better not pout, better not cry, I'm telling you why!" Max sang as he stood to get a better look at 'Santa'.

Halt walked out of the cabin and glared at Max as he had so many times. Max didn't stop singing so Halt followed his gaze and saw the big man, Halt considered Max for a moment before shaking his head and walking back inside. Max continued to sing and watch the big man, the man had paused when Max started singing but was now striding towards the cabin as if he were angry.

"Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!" Max kept singing as he heard Halt lock the door. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he…" Max was caught by surprise as an ax slammed into him. The large man named Erak walked up to the brained little youth and took the ax out of his head.

"Great, I got a scratch on my ax," He said while examining the edge. "Must be the thick skull." Erak shook his head and lowered his weapon and turned towards the cabin door. "Can I come in Halt? It's freezing out here." Erak banged on the door a few times.

"I'm sleeping, go away," Halt called back.

"Come on, I got rid of that annoying little boy for you! Why can't I come in?" Erak shook off the snow that had accumulated on his large body.

"You can't come in because I am sitting at the table and the door is four feet away. I would have to stand up, go to the door, open it and then shut it and resume my seat. It isn't worth it just to listen to you go on and on about your sailing and all that."

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories. I would like to announce that I really hate Max and to all those people who told me that he was a snob and all that, well he's supposed to be and I have something planned for him so just hold your horses, he'll be dead in due time but that can't happen unless somebody tells me who Demo man is.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to ask why, exactly, Keren's name is Keren. He'll hypnotize you.**

Alyss paced around the room she was being held prisoner in. She was actually looking forward to Keren's visit just so she could be sure that life outside the room was not as boring as inside the room. She paced for a while more before she heard footsteps outside and the familiar voice of Keren yelling for water. She took her seat at the table they always sat at and waited for Keren who entered a moment later. He has a smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Good day to you." Keren took the seat opposite Alyss and waited until the servant entered with water and then left before he spoke. "It must get awfully boring up here." He poured some water into two glasses and placed one in front of Alyss who pretended not to notice.

"It isn't all that bad, it's an excellent time to think and consider things that I normally wouldn't," Alyss lied. She didn't want to like Keren but it really did get boring and she was glad for this one change in schedule.

"And what, if I may ask, do you think about?" Keren took a sip of his water and let his tone sound casual yet interested. Maybe if he was nice he could get some information.

"Oh well there are plenty of things, mostly its questions that come to mind that gnaw at me until I can think of an answer. Usually I can figure them out but there are times that I can't." Alyss shrugged as if it was nothing but Keren saw through it.

"You can ask me anything, I don't want you up here uncomfortable." Keren smiled and Alyss fought back the immediate response that came to mind.

"Well I was wondering why your name is Keren. Will you tell me why you were given such a...girly name?" Alyss was pleased that she was infuriating Keren. She saw his neck tense and his eyes grow angry and she had to fight back a smile.

"Shut it." Keren was obviously trying to hold back his anger.

"But I'm curious. Why would any parents want a son to have a girly name?" Alyss took a sip of water to hide her giggle at Keren's features.

"Stare into the blue rock!" Keren whipped the stone out of his pocket and smiled as Alyss slipped into its control. "You will now praise me!"

"All hail Lord Keren! All hail Lord Keren!" Alyss chanted without thought. Keren smiled.

"This could be very fun," Keren said as the chant died down.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories. And would somebody PLEASE tell me who in the world Demo Man is! :) Have a nice day**


	25. Chapter 25

**This chapter is actually one of my most serious chapters, the only one with death in it at least**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to kill Alyss and Evanlyn when they stare at Will with you. Will will NOT marry you **

Sarah peeked at Will from behind a tree. Despite Halt's warning she had continued to stalk Will but she hadn't laid a finger on Alyss. Sarah watched as Will fired more arrows at the targets and Alyss, who was sitting on a log, clapped and started to laugh. Sarah felt her anger rise as Will walked over to Alyss with a smile and jokingly shoved her. Her anger rose as she watched them goof around for a few more minutes, she was just about to step out when she heard a sound to her left. She looked and recognized the crown princess. The princess put a finger to her lips and smiled.

"Are you watching Will also?" Sarah whispered in her fake nice voice. The princess blushed.

"Well actually I was." Cassandra looked down and pretended to brush her shirt off just to hide her red face.

"I had no idea that there was another player in this game," Sarah said ominously, the princess gave her a weird look and that was the last thing she ever did in her life for at that moment a knife was driven home into her throat by none other than Sarah.

Sarah continued to stare at Will as he shot arrow after arrow at the targets. Alyss was still watching and talking with him when he took short breaks, Sarah watched as the sun set and Alyss and Will went inside the cabin. Quickly she ran up to the cabin door and peered in through a crack, Will had his back turned and was making coffee while Alyss sat at the table and waited. Sarah held the knife tightly in her hand and eased the door open; the knife went flying through the air and hit Alyss square in the chest, a killing shot. Will spun around and was shocked into silence as he saw his one true love lying dead on the ground. Then he turned towards Sarah and his silence turned into anger.

"You're dead to me!" He went to grab his knives before he realized that this girl was familiar. "You're the girl from the tavern aren't you?" He was still furious but he was curious as to why she would want to kill Alyss.

"You know me!" Sarah squealed.

"Why did you kill her?" Will kept his hand on his throwing knife.

"So we could be together of course, Cassandra got in my way also, she's out in the bushes." Will's eyes widened as Sarah confessed to the murder of the crown princess. "So, you want to get married?" Sarah smiled as if she hadn't just murdered two individuals.

"Of course not you lunatic!" Will yelled in fury. In a short moment the throwing knife was lodged into Sarah's gut.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories**


	26. Chapter 26

**You are NOT allowed to ice-skate on the pond in Skandia. You'll be assigned to the paddles**

Max looked around and smiled, nobody was around. The full moon was high in the sky and cast a soft light that bounced off the snow and made it seem lighter than it was. The night air bit at his ratty face and blew through his cloak. He clutched his skates tighter in his hands and continued until he reached the pond close by the oberjarl's hall. He sat down in the snow and removed his boots and put on the skates.

Max glanced around again but nobody was watching, he stood up and held his arms out for balance until he got onto the frozen ice that topped the pond. He took a deep breath of the chilly air and started going around the outside of the pond for a warm up. Pretty soon he was jumping and spinning in the air like a professional ice ballerina. He went on for a while more before he heard a snort of laughter come from the shadows. He quickly stopped skating and made his way to the edge of the pond. He looked around again and gasped as Erak came out of the shadows laughing his head off, Halt was close behind with his cowl up. Max's face turned red with embarrassment and anger.

"Nice twirls, did Halt teach you that?" Erak said through bursts of laughter as Halt just looked at his apprentice, his expression hidden by the shadows his cowl cast.

"I definitely did not teach him that," Halt said in an amused fashion.

"How did you know I was here?" Max demanded as he dropped to the ground to get his boots back on.

"You fail at silent movement, I heard you pass by my room and bump into the wall. I think that a punishment is in order for sneaking out." Halt turned towards Erak. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"Most definitely," Erak said while grinning. "Ragnak hates people skating on his pond, they get assigned to the paddles." Erak looked down at Halt. "Would that be fine?"

"Couldn't happen to a nicer twit." Halt turned and started back towards the hall. "I just wish that there were more people to see that."

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories if I know the game or book it's based on**


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to ask Halt to do an impersonation of Demo Man. He'll shoot you.**

Max jogged to catch up with Halt on the forest path, he needed to ask his mentor something. Max slowed to a walk as he caught up with Halt, the Ranger didn't acknowledge him or even break pace as the youth cleared his throat. Max coughed again and got nothing from Halt.

"Halt?" Max said in his annoyingly high voice.

"What now?" Halt's voice suggested Max just drop it but the boy ignored it.

"Can you do something for me?" Halt didn't answer. "Can you do an impression of Demo Man?" Halt stopped walking and looked at the sorry excuse for an apprentice Ranger.

"And who is that?" Halt had a feeling Max was going to end up with an arrow through his empty head if he continued this discussion.

"He's a character that's in a game that my friends and I used to do role play for. He was my favorite character and you remind me of him." Max chose to ignore the annoyance that sparked in Halt's eyes.

"I doubt you ever had or ever will have friends, and no I will not do an impersonation." Halt's words were edged with anger.

"Please?" Max whined, Halt kept walking in silence. "Please, please, please, please," Max continued.

Max continued to whine as they walked back to the cabin, Halt had become increasingly irritated and when it was apparent that the apprentice wouldn't quit Halt decided to do something about it. They broke free of the tree line that bordered the clearing the cabin was in and Halt turned towards Max.

"Would you just shut up already?" Halt's words came out in a snarl and Max backed away like the coward he was but he continued to whine away. Halt rolled his eyes and retrieved his bow and an arrow; it was loaded in an instant. Max continued to back away but the arrow pierced him before he got over ten steps away. "Aww, look at him. He looks even more annoying in his death." Halt walked back to the cabin, leaving Max for the wolves.

**This chapter was definitely not my best but I barely knew who Demo Man was so I did what I could, please review so I know how bad this was**


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters, my therapist told me that**

**You are NOT allowed to tell everyone the Malkallam is really Malcolm; he will unleash his freaky ghost contraption on you.**

Max approached Castle Macindaw. Malcolm had sent him to get coffee as Halt was drinking him out of house and home. Max grumbled as he tripped over a hidden hole by the drawbridge. He stood and continued to walk across the bridge, aware of the guard's laughter. The laughter angered him and he spun around to face the guards.

"Don't laugh!" It came out sounding whiny and the guards laugh harder. "I will have Malcolm release demons on you!" Max felt self-satisfaction as the guards stopped laughing and confusion came over their faces. Max was also aware that all in the courtyard had paused what they were doing to watch the commotion.

"And who is this Malcolm? Is he your daddy?" The guard on the left teased. Max's smile was feral.

"No! Malcolm is Malkallam! He will release fake demons on you in your sleep and scare the socks off you!" Max yelled so all could hear. "And that is why you will not laugh at me." Max turned towards the quiet crowd and pushed through, he still had to grab the coffee.

* * *

><p>Max was sitting outside Malcolm's cottage when the small party burst through the tree line. Malcolm came out of the cottage, his spies had told him about the party but they had said that the party needed help.<p>

"That's far enough for now!" Malcolm called to the visitors.

"Malcolm! We need help! My son is ill!" A figure on horseback called. Malcolm's eyes widened at his name.

"I am Malkallam!" Malcolm called.

"We know you are not, that boy told us!" The man called agitated. "Now help my son!"

Malcolm motioned for them to come forward then turned towards Max who was avoiding the healer's looks. "You will pay dearly for this."

* * *

><p>Max woke to a strange, haunting noise. His senses were still foggy as he looked around in confusion and fear. He was in the middle of a clearing and lights were flashing all around in the trees. Max wanted to yell but he was to terrified, he was aware of a voice echoing around him but he couldn't comprehend what it was saying through his cowardly fear.<p>

He sat in the middle of the clearing for some time before the giant face came. It was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen. It was a giant red demon's face that soared through the sky; it swung over his head and caused him to wet his pants. Max's eyes were as big as the moon as maniacal laughter broke out and he sat completely terrified as the face blew into sparks.

The thing that sent him running was a tall figure that seemed to appear out of fog to his right. He slowly turned to see the figure and jumped up in his wet pants.

"Don't kill me! I have so much to live for!" Max called as the figure seemed to become more defined. With a final yelp of cowardice Max raced off into the forest away from the clearing.

Malcolm turned to Halt who was standing next to him in the shadows surrounding the clearing. "I can send some of my people to grab him for you." Halt shook his head.

"I really wouldn't want him back. You can keep him; after all you do take in people that nobody seems to want around." Malcolm shook his head, even he didn't want Max.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories, I am positive that this was horrible but I couldn't really think of a good story for this rule**


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters**

**You are NOT allowed to sing the munchkin theme song around Will. He'll shoot you.**

Max watched from the verandah as Will rode to the cabin on Tug. Will was the only person Max hated more than Halt and that made him want to annoy him. Max smiled, just yesterday he had heard a song from a play he was sure Will would hate. Will rode up to the cabin and smiled at Max.

"How goes it?" Will asked the youth.

Max looked at him with disgust, he considered himself a higher rank than Will. "It was just fine until you arrived." Will frowned at the remark.

"I see Halt still has to teach you manners." And with that Will walked Tug to the shelter. Max followed and began softly singing.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are and meet the young lady, who fell from a star." Will turned towards Max with an irritated look.

"Did you just call me a lady?" Will asked in an angry tone, Max was the only person that made his temper rise like this. Max just smiled.

"I call people by what they are," Max said in a snobby voice. Will swallowed the urge to choke the boy and continued on his way to the shelter but Max followed. "She fell from the sky, she fell very far and Kansas, she says, is the name of the star." Will turned around again.

"I don't even know what Kansas is!" He yelled. "And I'm not a lady!"

"Don't tell lies young lady." Max wagged his finger at Will then burst into laughter. He didn't see when Will grabbed his bow and knocked an arrow. Max felt pain rush through his calf up through his body and fell to the ground gasping.

"For a lady, I'm not that polite," Will said as he turned once more toward the shelter.

**Please review and I'll review one of your stories**


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